Post 6: Revising with Williams

“Student Government at EMU is committed to improving the quality of student life on campus. The student body each spring elects a president, vice president and 24 senators who, along with representatives appointed from various organizations, compose the Student Senate. The executive officers and members provide input to the administration of the University to help solve problems and improve programs and services. Student Government also sponsors campus-wide events. The student services office, known as REACT, provides assistance to students with legal, rental or University-related problems.” This excerpt came from the Student Affairs and Campus Life section of the EMU catalogs. Although there are not major problems with it, there are definitely a few things that could be tweaked.
It might be better if it was written like this:
The Student Government at EMU is committed to improving the quality of student life on campus. Each spring, the student body elects a president, vice president, and 24 senators who, along with representatives appointed from various organizations, will compose the Student Senate. The Student Government sponsors campus wide events as well. The student services office, known as REACT, provides assistance to students with legal, rental, or other University related problems.
Basically, my problem with this excerpt was the second sentence. In the first part where is says “the student body each spring”, doesn’t flow very well for me. In chapter 4 of Joseph L. Williams’ book Style: Towards Clarity and Grace, he points out that is important to shift less important information to the left of a sentence (68). Each spring is definitely not the most important part of the sentence. The writer of this piece was not thinking of managing his endings. It is clear that the fact that the president, vice president, and 24 senators being elected will compose the Student Senate is the most important part of that sentence. By placing “each spring” at the front on the sentence, you are also moving the most important piece of information over to the right (69). I also put the article “the” in front of the first and third sentences. This really had nothing to with anything in the William’s book; it was just seemed like they were missing when I read the passage initially. Now the passage sounds much better and the meaning has not been changed at all.